I Dont Wanna Die Anymore
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I dont think i can wait. People are so messed up. Everywhere I go, I try to be friendly and make friends but now I feel like I have a back full of holes from being stabbed in the back so many times. Today, a coworker told me that the people I think are my friends, aren't really my friends. I mean wtf, who says that to someone unless they are trying to hurt them I never did anything but be kind to this person so why does she want to hurt me I have a plan but like so many others, I'm afraid of hurting my loved ones that I will leave behind.
since my early childhood, my life was such, that i wished i was dead. then i picked myself up, piece by piece, and worked to be someone. i think i worked too hard, and did too well academically, and then professionally, and it did help me get economical statbility in life. but a life that began like that, could not continue well. i went from one abusive relationship to another. sometimes, i think it was my fault, perhaps i made my partner like that. however hard i tried to love others, and make their lives happy and beautiful.. more was i ridiculed. they eitehr left me and went away, or they stayed and tormented me. eventually, i started losing hope. i stopped hopig, but started living, on a day-to-day basis.. now again all the pain has returned. pain of childhood.. abuse by parent, pain from partner.. of not understanding my pain, and of never been happy with whatever i do. i try so hard. in the process, my career too has suffered as i gave all my priority to my family.. but nothing is ever enough. i have had so much enough.. now every day i wish i would sleep, and not need to wake up the next day.. that is how i found your post. i hope the Lord (if He is there) eases your pain. i know, how difficult it might be. i really never wanted anything but \"peace\" and \"love\" in my life. now i just want \"peace\".. still it eludes me. i don;t have the strength to take another step.. i just can't do it anymore. i have lost.. simply lost. and i do not see any other way out than death.. if there was another way out, i would take it gladly.. but i do not have the strength to hurt the people for whom i care.. so the result= pain!! i really want a relief from this pain.. i just dont know how to..
I understand. You are not selfish life is well fucked. I am 43 now and have kept these feelings at bay for awhile now even telling myself they were not there anymore but they were. I have a loving husband and will not kill myself because I don't want him to find my body. Life always punches down at me and I am tired of punching back up. So I have decided no more dr. Apt. No second shot. No medical anything. Honestly I am hoping that something comes to end this exsintinse
Wassup y'all. I usually visit suicideproject.org for the latest blog by people xontemplatinf suicide. Today I searxhed \"every day all i want is death\" and found thjs site. Typos are cuz I'm typing on a phone. I fluctuate between being apparently okay and being rather mentally ill. For example. Yesterday, i had someone assume I was shoplifting. On my way home I did as I sometimws do, try to make sure no one is too close by to notice, I usually yell FUCK! At the top of my lungs, when I let my temper get the best of me. I did this but don't want to be noticed doing this. Then about 5 or 10 minutes later I was still upset at myself I dont know why, I guess it is because I am angry that I look like a shoplifters cuz I wear my backpack into the store, cuz I am now on a bicycle on my commute from work. About 1 month ago, I lent my car to a lady I got to know for 10 days. She stole my car and 99% of my worldly possessions with it. She was the first person I had sex with within the last 5 years. I love sex, with females that is. I am strait. Any way, I get assumed as a shop lifter becUse incidentally I am one who has now tried to be generous with somwpne and incidentally had most everything stolen from me. So now I look like a shop lifting bum. Cuz I have a 5 mile commute by bicycle. I stop to enjoy a local farm/shop with some Air conditning inside on a hot humid summer day. I take my time browsing since I only have $12 in my wallet, which is the tip money I made at work. I buy a $3 lemon pastry and the girl needs to put it in a plastic container\" and i tell her i dont need a platic container but I'm like whatever I dont need to compkicate things for her. I open it up and eat it in the store, then put the empty container in my backpack. So this store has a section where you can buy pastries and also theres a checkout for regular grocery items. So the dude walks up to me as I'm going back to purchase 1 more remaining lemon pastry as a gift for my mom. I figure the girl was nice, I am enjoying the AC. I ca afford to buy another $3 lemon bar for my mum. The dude walks up to me as I am purchasing the item and says Are you going to pay for that, / what you put in your backpa k (which was the leftover platic container which I didnt want in the first place. I say I already paid for it and she confirmed this to the guy employee. So whatever I got ticked off. He says okay \" just be careful\" like what the f is that supposed to mean. I just got falsely accused of trying to shoplift. So anyway, after leaving the store and cintinuing hime and yelling this outburst aimed at no one just my frustration at my own situation, where I look like a theif, ironically as a result of being generous and having everything stolen from me.. Normally I would drive a car and not have a reason to carry a backpack in a store..after my vocal outburst, I actually punched my self on the side of my head so fast I disnt even think twice. This is the first time ive drawn blood like in a boxing match or something. To my suprise, as it wasnt my intention, I felt the wetness and confirmed as i could see blood on my hand. Wow. I literally punched my self in the head as I'm walking my bicycle home... With a lemon bar in my basket. Once I gave my self a black eye in another episode. This is a rare occurance for me, but sometimes I just hate my self for being stupid. I have lots more to write. This is really dumb. But I have a good life. I just get caught up in my own poor attitude some times. I like dreaming sometimes. I'm glad I can temporarily escape waking life. Gotta wrap this up or it prob wont lwt me post. I like to write sometimes. Yep. Tha ks for reading
People ask me how old I am. Some times i say Guess! They usually say some.early 20 something. I look young for my age cuz I only have a goatee. Not a full beard. And im healthy. Fairly healthy. Clear skin. iDK- its prolly just lack of facial hair. Not trying to be a smartass, althou once I told a cop, I am infinite. See, consciousness is infinite. And I am consciousness. I know I am not this body. I am consciousness experiencing this body..people always wanna size I up by ur age, asking How old are you. Like dude, I am not a number. I have had some acid trips, like 30 tabs in one go. I saw I infinity, like I could see a portal or a tunnel. I experiences eternity. My realization was Infinity is absolutely real, but without Love as a context for reality, nothing could exist. David icke said ayahuasca told him \" infinite love is the only truth; everything else is an illusion\" ... I lived lifetimes in that one trip. People wanna judge like how wise are you or what do you know based in how old you are. What youve experienced.. How much experience.. Well I'm only 31 in worldly terms. But in truth, we are all consciousness. I met this Mormon missionary sister. She tells me \" I'm only 19\" and goes on to say like really humbly \"I don't have all the answers\", but what she can guarentee is that her faith does provide lasting peace and truth. I watched the movie The Gospel of John again last night. Find it on YouTube. I am raised Christian. And is gives me a renewed sense of peace . see, I can't prove to you that the gospel is true, but consider the possibility that the creatir of this realm did come into the world as a man, to save your soul from, to save all our souls from out own wicked devices.. Free will is a really amazing part of this creation, but of course we are bound to err as humans.. But g0d was like hey- dont worry. Im sending you a get out of jail free card. Normally you would pay the wages of sin which is death, but I love you so much that I am sending my son as a redeemer for your soul, because my grace and mercy is probably beyond your understanding. God wants a personal relationship with you. My eyes are tearing up right now. I'm telling you the truth. God loves you. He wants to redeem you and me from all of our wickedness and shortcomings. He said he has many rooms I heaven. He just wants you to believe- that he showed up for you. That he loves you so much, he showed up and lived a perfect life as a teacher, so that we might ve free fron the consiquences of out own sin. I am a sinner. Ive been a thief and a liar and an adulterer. And worse. Can't even think of what right now.. Well actually I still have a neurosis where I literally have deep seated resentment toward police. And I know I can overcome this attitude with G0ds help. Christ commands us to Love one another. Forgive and you are forgiven. Judge not least ye be judged. As we do unto others, we literally do unto ourselves. On my 7 drops of liquid LSD I had to take off my normal clothes and walk around in my lawn wrapped in a pink sheet like a bedding sheet becUse it was the only thing that I found comfortable. The clingyness of normal clothes, like the way a belt holds your waist, became so wierd or foreign to me. I am a dumbass but also a student of Buddhism and the Buddha was very correct In his realization of the truth. But I also remember a 3 liquid drop LSD trip, where I couldnt get my mind off Christ. How he lives in me. In us. We who accept him. Recieve him. Believe in him. My realization from that trip was \" the power of an idea to change the world\".. Unconditional forgiveness. Turning the other cheek. Yea there comes a time when.grace runs out. Hoe many times must I forgive my brother 7 times No! Said Christ. Try 70 times 7 times. See, sometimes you gotta rebuke the devil. But still... To forgive above all that shit.. Is transcendental. This realm is ruled largely by dark forces. This is Satan's realm. But heaven is available to those who have faith in God. I believe the gospel is true. Death is considerable by living in Truth. Turning your life over to Christ and obeying his commands. The Buddha also had a legit grasp so to speak on the inner workings of this realm. Grasp.. Hehe. On that 7 drop trip, I was so okay with this world. Okay with letting it all go. Letting go of the world, my temporary form in this world. Its all okay. Like my ayahuasca trip. Your body will pass away.. Yea. But its okay. Life will go on. I still have this ego that gets pissed off and depressed and spiteful. But I know thats my demons. My neurosis. At my best, when im high as a kite as my grabdma would say, or like when I am high as fuck. When I feel really enlightened.. Like my first serious mushroom trip.. How could I ever want anything, when I am all that is Of course my ego would return.. Gosh darn it! Everyone else gets to have all the hot women and here I am wasting my prime 20s not getting laid like even 1% of how much I love woemn5 and really need to get laid. I live. I love making love with women. Arrg how frusrtrating and agonizing it is for my ego to not get the sex I want so badly..!# I'm very fit, 6pak abs ive never had to work for. I eat as much as I want and nver gain weight.. I am lucky. I still have my legs. I can run . heck I can run a mile today in 7 minutes without any trouble. I can still do prolly 18 pull ups consecutive. Maybe. Its been a while since I tried to see what I can do. I am so fit.. Although I have tooth decay which I am self conscious about.. I have a nice home by the graces of my mother. A 450 thousand dollar home according to market appraisal last time I checked. Taxes are like $100 a night last time my dad told me. I am blessed. To live in a nice area. We have a dog. Who is a perfect little rascal of a soul. And yet.. I find my self this very evening asking .. G0d, can I just be done with this life Can you just end my life by some freak accident I wish I was never born. I just dont wanna participate. That woman who stole my car said LSD causes bipolar according to the experts from what she was tild in college. Well. Yea I get a down. I get frustrated. But when I think about the teaxhings of Christ and the Buddha... I know I can realign this consciousness with something good. And trudge through this life that is suffering. It's worth thw struggle. Death 99.9% chance will come to all of us. I just have to hang in here. Do my part. For some reason I guess because my body hasnt experienced too much of the decline of aging.. I have this predisposition to think I might live like 300 years or something. Or maybe like 130, with life extention technology.. Always developing. For all we know, they might make a way to upload your consciousness to computer technology and make us immortal- ish in the this lifetime. I figure, ive had some good times, some good orgasms.. I may be dismally dismayed with life to the point of thinking I will never have the fortune of another girlfriend.. But hey.. 31years down.. What do I have left, maybe another 100 I will do my part for God. Keep on keeping at it. No need to be impatient. The grim reaper will find me when the time is right. I must have done like at least 25% of my mission here, right In all prbablility I might live another 10 years. Less likely but still within a rwasoable guess, I might have 1 year left. Less likely still but still possible, I might have another 100 to go. Here I am, all impatient to die, typing away with my thumbs.. If this were midevil times and I was caught stealing I might have both my hands cut off by now. I see folks in wheelchairs maybe missing parts of legs.. I can be so ungrateful for all I still have. My 20 flanges. Eyes that work great. Ears. Taste. Smell. Appetite. Sex drive. Some females and males even find me attractive. Just cuz I seem to never get laid.. Its not the end of the world. Buddha said as long as man has love for woman he is caught in the cycle of death and rebirth. Maybe it's .. No... No. It would probably be better if I was like that time on mushrooms. . . how can I ever want anything... When I am all that is.... I was about to say, maybe its better that I cant stay in that ' enlightenwd state'. Maybe its striving through the sadness and with the passion and hunger for growth that will define my life for the better. I wish I could keep my wisdom instead of being so forgetful. I used to think, I dont need a job or money to be happy. If I can just figure out how to ve happy, I am all set. Its a state of being. The heart and mind together. That's shortly after graduation high school and having this whole new freedom to waste or enjoy all the time I want just being free to be not told what to do all the time. Then its like, oh shit, I still have a sex drive. Oh shit, now I am settling for masturbation and porn. Oh shit. Everyone else has a car. Oh shit. All my peers have amazing hot girlfriends. Oh shit now everyone has kids. And here I am.. Left behind. A muserable jerkoff loser. Wow. I fuckwd up. I wasted my opportunities. Didn't try hard enough in school or at a career or with all those wonderful round women who really liked me and now have kids. Here I am. No college degree. No kids. Meh. It's okay. At least I have seen glimpses of the truth. Like that acid trip she. I told my friend the realization of Be Here Now, and he tells me thats the title of a book, you should read it. Thanks for reading. Y'all be good out there. This rant was spontanious and unedited. You can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org 59ce067264